Growth and Change

It's been a while since I have written. Lets give a brief listing of what has transpired.

Christmas Break -> Intense pain and loneliness. Even though Kate chose to come over on Xmas instead of spending more time with her parents, it was very hard not being around those I love. Then the WAIT. The wait till I could be invited back. That was not fun. I noticed that I was depressed. I counted off the typical symptoms, and I basically scored a 100%. It was at that time that I agreed that I would either figure this out or try medication. Well, I sorta figured it out.

Two weeks later, Kate's mother-in-law came back into town for a week. It was another week of waiting, but I was bound and determined not to fall into depression. I decided that I need to break myself of this problem and my willpower, my want to be better HAD to be stronger than this disease. And I am right. It is HARD, but I have been able to fight against it. I was able to spend most of my time alone waiting without falling into despondency. There was one day I could feel the ennui start to set it, but I noticed it fought back. I didn't win that day, but I was able to call it a draw. Considering where I was two week prior, I was content with the result.

It's been two week since then and there has been more growth between myself and my wife, within myself, but there is still LOTS to go. My wife and I had a fight Thursday night. She came back from her therapist and told me that she wanted me to empty out the office and take everything to the apartment. The feeling from her voice was so viscerally angry that I took it very personal. I started to pack up everything and asked her if I should go. It was a very angry exchange. It wasn't until about 20 minutes pasted (in which I stood at her door waiting for her to tell me whether I should stay or go) that we started to talk again.

After crying on both sides, she finally explained that she needs the office redone. She needs to clear out the bad "environment" that she feels in there and restart the room. When she explained that, I told her I understand, but I need to have some input on the room. I explained that I need a sanctuary, someplace that I feel comfortable in. Kate asked if I didn't feel comfortable in the house, and I replied honestly I don't. And I don't. The biggest reason is that it's not my home right now. It's a house where my wife and family live, but there isn't anything of me yet. Kate reexplained herself. She wants the office available to be redone, so we need to move out of the stuff so that she can paint and decorate. I did agree to this and spent about 6 hours working on cleaning it out. It's about 1/2 done, but that was the easy 1/2.

Now, for the hard part. I realized that I KNEW that something was wrong with our marriage about 18 months ago. I moved from a feeling of "in love" to just "love", but I DID NOTHING ABOUT IT. At that time, I figured that it was just part of growing old together. I just let myself finish falling into the situation that I found myself in. I will be talking to my therapist tomorrow. I am truly wondering if I should tell my wife this or not. I don't want to break her heart anymore than I have, but part of feels that if we are to truly restart this relationship, I need to come completely clean. Not sure. Not Sure Not Sure....

Till next time