It's been a while since I have written. Lets give a brief listing of what has transpired.
Christmas Break -> Intense pain and loneliness. Even though Kate chose to come over on Xmas instead of spending more time with her parents, it was very hard not being around those I love. Then the WAIT. The wait till I could be invited back. That was not fun. I noticed that I was depressed. I counted off the typical symptoms, and I basically scored a 100%. It was at that time that I agreed that I would either figure this out or try medication. Well, I sorta figured it out.
Two weeks later, Kate's mother-in-law came back into town for a week. It was another week of waiting, but I was bound and determined not to fall into depression. I decided that I need to break myself of this problem and my willpower, my want to be better HAD to be stronger than this disease. And I am right. It is HARD, but I have been able to fight against it. I was able to spend most of my time alone waiting without falling into despondency. There was one day I could feel the ennui start to set it, but I noticed it fought back. I didn't win that day, but I was able to call it a draw. Considering where I was two week prior, I was content with the result.
It's been two week since then and there has been more growth between myself and my wife, within myself, but there is still LOTS to go. My wife and I had a fight Thursday night. She came back from her therapist and told me that she wanted me to empty out the office and take everything to the apartment. The feeling from her voice was so viscerally angry that I took it very personal. I started to pack up everything and asked her if I should go. It was a very angry exchange. It wasn't until about 20 minutes pasted (in which I stood at her door waiting for her to tell me whether I should stay or go) that we started to talk again.
After crying on both sides, she finally explained that she needs the office redone. She needs to clear out the bad "environment" that she feels in there and restart the room. When she explained that, I told her I understand, but I need to have some input on the room. I explained that I need a sanctuary, someplace that I feel comfortable in. Kate asked if I didn't feel comfortable in the house, and I replied honestly I don't. And I don't. The biggest reason is that it's not my home right now. It's a house where my wife and family live, but there isn't anything of me yet. Kate reexplained herself. She wants the office available to be redone, so we need to move out of the stuff so that she can paint and decorate. I did agree to this and spent about 6 hours working on cleaning it out. It's about 1/2 done, but that was the easy 1/2.
Now, for the hard part. I realized that I KNEW that something was wrong with our marriage about 18 months ago. I moved from a feeling of "in love" to just "love", but I DID NOTHING ABOUT IT. At that time, I figured that it was just part of growing old together. I just let myself finish falling into the situation that I found myself in. I will be talking to my therapist tomorrow. I am truly wondering if I should tell my wife this or not. I don't want to break her heart anymore than I have, but part of feels that if we are to truly restart this relationship, I need to come completely clean. Not sure. Not Sure Not Sure....
Till next time
Monday, January 18, 2010
Monday, November 23, 2009
One Day at a Time
The last two weeks have been what I should have been for years.
I've spend some incredible time with my family, my children, my wife. It's not been perfect, but it's been perfectly family.
My wife and I have started to really talk again. We had two days of some of the most serious, most deep discussions we have had in 5 years, and yet through it all, through the tears, through the pain, we actually resolved an issue. We had to stop our discussion, but through that forced break, we were able to think instead of falling back on our bad habits. We were able to talk, and walk back to each other without being resentful. It was a wonderful feeling. Now my wife wants to hold off on any more of those issues for a while so she has time to heal more, and I can wait, but KNOWING that we can do it, that I can see what to do to have more of those discussions makes me very happy.
As for our children, we have had fun. We've been swimming, playing in the park, decorating my apartment, coloring, all sorts of activities that we should have be doing for years, and can continue to do in the future. It's all GOOD!
Lastly, after 6 weeks with my therapist, we've finally had a break through. Which is funny, because it was a break through for her. I was under the impression that I was wasting her time. Two weeks ago, she appeared to be failing asleep on me. So I wrote a letter describing the way I feel and what I want from a therapist, and BAM! she delivered. The time in our session flew. It wasn't me feeling that she was dancing around issues, prodding in the wrong direction, or making short talk to waste the time. I was pleased, and thoroughly embarrassed because of what she pointed out to me.
She bluntly asked if my lack of participation was a lack of involvement or wanted involvement with my family and wife. I hate to agree with her, but she was right. I would have rather have played the game then possibly fight with her over any disagreement. But why, that is the BIG question. And that is the one I'm still working on.
I've spend some incredible time with my family, my children, my wife. It's not been perfect, but it's been perfectly family.
My wife and I have started to really talk again. We had two days of some of the most serious, most deep discussions we have had in 5 years, and yet through it all, through the tears, through the pain, we actually resolved an issue. We had to stop our discussion, but through that forced break, we were able to think instead of falling back on our bad habits. We were able to talk, and walk back to each other without being resentful. It was a wonderful feeling. Now my wife wants to hold off on any more of those issues for a while so she has time to heal more, and I can wait, but KNOWING that we can do it, that I can see what to do to have more of those discussions makes me very happy.
As for our children, we have had fun. We've been swimming, playing in the park, decorating my apartment, coloring, all sorts of activities that we should have be doing for years, and can continue to do in the future. It's all GOOD!
Lastly, after 6 weeks with my therapist, we've finally had a break through. Which is funny, because it was a break through for her. I was under the impression that I was wasting her time. Two weeks ago, she appeared to be failing asleep on me. So I wrote a letter describing the way I feel and what I want from a therapist, and BAM! she delivered. The time in our session flew. It wasn't me feeling that she was dancing around issues, prodding in the wrong direction, or making short talk to waste the time. I was pleased, and thoroughly embarrassed because of what she pointed out to me.
She bluntly asked if my lack of participation was a lack of involvement or wanted involvement with my family and wife. I hate to agree with her, but she was right. I would have rather have played the game then possibly fight with her over any disagreement. But why, that is the BIG question. And that is the one I'm still working on.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Practicing a new way
This weekend was one of the best weekends that I have had in a LONG time.
Friday, I took my wife out for a 'date'. She does want me to call it a date, so I respect that, but it felt like a date for me. The nervousiness of walking up to the front door and ringing the door bell. I brought a single red rose and a bottle of sparkling red grape juice (I didn't think bringing a bottle of wine for the children would be a smart move).
We went out to Red Lobster, and while Kate wanted to go Dutch, we did share an appetizer. I spent most of the dinner listening, talking, and staring. I really had forgotten how beautiful she is. Her hair, which she re-dyed back to her deep red from the auburn she did about 2 months ago, her blue eyes, her round glowing cheeks, her freckles. On the way home, we went to Starbucks, ordered coffees and sat around for a while. She talked, I stared. When we got back to the house, I spent time with the children, tucked in Connor (with a story read to him), read with Tatyanna, and had a pleasant night. The only part that was worrisome was that Kate crashed out before I was finished with the children, and didn't even walk me out.
I spent most of the night worried that I made her upset because I called our meeting a 'Date', and she told our children that it wasn't a date. Once again, I lost sleep.
In the morning, I received a call asking me to help take care of the children and help her with her studies. I gladly jumped on the opportunity. I arrived at 1 pm, and took my son for a haircut. We had fun. We got back to the house at 2:30 and I proceeded to spend time with both my children. After playing a little, reading a little, I cooked supper with my wife.
Now, this is a big deal since I've often just kicked her out of the kitchen to cook myself. We made home-made pizzas. Connor had a simple pepperoni, Tatyanna had a mushroom and black olive, while we made a Chicken/spinach/Alfredo pizza. It was good. We both agreed that the crust should have been cooked a little longer, but that is ok. The fact that we worked together was incredible! The fact that I let Kate join me speaks volumes to my growth in just a short time.
After supper, we watched some TV, and had an incredible time making out on her bed. We talked, we kissed, we snuggled, we fondled, we had fun. While we both got each other very frustrated, we enjoyed it. At 7 pm, we took the kids trick-or-treating. After an hour, Connor got too tired to continue, so I went with Tatyanna for another hour. Again, it was worth every cold minute.
When Tatyanna and I returned, I helped put Connor down for bed, and then helped with Tatyanna. After the two children were down, Kate and I had a short talk, but it was good.
All in all, this year's Holloween was one of the best that I have had in my entire life.
Friday, I took my wife out for a 'date'. She does want me to call it a date, so I respect that, but it felt like a date for me. The nervousiness of walking up to the front door and ringing the door bell. I brought a single red rose and a bottle of sparkling red grape juice (I didn't think bringing a bottle of wine for the children would be a smart move).
We went out to Red Lobster, and while Kate wanted to go Dutch, we did share an appetizer. I spent most of the dinner listening, talking, and staring. I really had forgotten how beautiful she is. Her hair, which she re-dyed back to her deep red from the auburn she did about 2 months ago, her blue eyes, her round glowing cheeks, her freckles. On the way home, we went to Starbucks, ordered coffees and sat around for a while. She talked, I stared. When we got back to the house, I spent time with the children, tucked in Connor (with a story read to him), read with Tatyanna, and had a pleasant night. The only part that was worrisome was that Kate crashed out before I was finished with the children, and didn't even walk me out.
I spent most of the night worried that I made her upset because I called our meeting a 'Date', and she told our children that it wasn't a date. Once again, I lost sleep.
In the morning, I received a call asking me to help take care of the children and help her with her studies. I gladly jumped on the opportunity. I arrived at 1 pm, and took my son for a haircut. We had fun. We got back to the house at 2:30 and I proceeded to spend time with both my children. After playing a little, reading a little, I cooked supper with my wife.
Now, this is a big deal since I've often just kicked her out of the kitchen to cook myself. We made home-made pizzas. Connor had a simple pepperoni, Tatyanna had a mushroom and black olive, while we made a Chicken/spinach/Alfredo pizza. It was good. We both agreed that the crust should have been cooked a little longer, but that is ok. The fact that we worked together was incredible! The fact that I let Kate join me speaks volumes to my growth in just a short time.
After supper, we watched some TV, and had an incredible time making out on her bed. We talked, we kissed, we snuggled, we fondled, we had fun. While we both got each other very frustrated, we enjoyed it. At 7 pm, we took the kids trick-or-treating. After an hour, Connor got too tired to continue, so I went with Tatyanna for another hour. Again, it was worth every cold minute.
When Tatyanna and I returned, I helped put Connor down for bed, and then helped with Tatyanna. After the two children were down, Kate and I had a short talk, but it was good.
All in all, this year's Holloween was one of the best that I have had in my entire life.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Faith and Hope
My wife gave me the ray of hope, the ounce of faith that I need to survive and move forward.
My wife decided to grant my request for a seperation, not a divorce, for now. It is a huge event for my wife, but a lifesaver for me.
It's hard to focus when I am this tired. I want to write about how special I feel, but I'm yawning so hard it's hard to see the screen.
I'll write more later when I'm not so tired.
My wife decided to grant my request for a seperation, not a divorce, for now. It is a huge event for my wife, but a lifesaver for me.
It's hard to focus when I am this tired. I want to write about how special I feel, but I'm yawning so hard it's hard to see the screen.
I'll write more later when I'm not so tired.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Fear and Loathing in my life
Last night my wife stated that she needed the divorce to move on. I asked her to stay seperated instead, until I can prove my change. She walked out on me after that conversation.
She says she cannot trust me. She says that I lied to her about our finances. She says she needs closure. I do not need closure. I need an opening, a ray of hope. I've told her this, but I don't know if she understands.
After she left, I drove home crying the entire way. I spent the next 3 hours composing important paperwork. I wrote my will, I wrote a letter to my daughter to given on her 18th birthday, I wrote a letter to my son to given on his 18th birthday, and I wrote my last letter to my wife.
I do not know if I will give these to her. I have put my faith in her and God. While God challenges all of us to listen, I don't know if my wife is listening. I truthfully believe that I am supposed to have this pain of seperation: To truely understand what I have to lose if I do not change. I do not know if I will survive being completely cutoff. My heart and soul cannot handle it.
She says she cannot trust me. She says that I lied to her about our finances. She says she needs closure. I do not need closure. I need an opening, a ray of hope. I've told her this, but I don't know if she understands.
After she left, I drove home crying the entire way. I spent the next 3 hours composing important paperwork. I wrote my will, I wrote a letter to my daughter to given on her 18th birthday, I wrote a letter to my son to given on his 18th birthday, and I wrote my last letter to my wife.
I do not know if I will give these to her. I have put my faith in her and God. While God challenges all of us to listen, I don't know if my wife is listening. I truthfully believe that I am supposed to have this pain of seperation: To truely understand what I have to lose if I do not change. I do not know if I will survive being completely cutoff. My heart and soul cannot handle it.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Absence and Work
There is the old phrase "Absence makes the heart grows fonder". This phrase is very true right now in my life. While my wife has been incredibly generous with her time and allowing me more time with our children, it is still painful when I have to leave them.
I always wondered if one had a huge loss in one's life, would going back to a regular routine actually help. Well, it does, but only because you do not have time to think. Right now, I do not like that at all. I find that after I am done with work, I am so tired that I cannot think like I need to. So I force myself to concentrate. I need to work on changing. This work does come easy, and I need to be able to spend time on it. That is the challenge this week. How do I find the time to do what I need to and still function?
I need to find this answer because this will be a huge break-through in balancing my life and the caring I need to show my wife and children. But break-throughs are not overnight, so until I reach that understanding, I will still having my heartbreak a little bit every time I need to let them go, and leave their home.
I always wondered if one had a huge loss in one's life, would going back to a regular routine actually help. Well, it does, but only because you do not have time to think. Right now, I do not like that at all. I find that after I am done with work, I am so tired that I cannot think like I need to. So I force myself to concentrate. I need to work on changing. This work does come easy, and I need to be able to spend time on it. That is the challenge this week. How do I find the time to do what I need to and still function?
I need to find this answer because this will be a huge break-through in balancing my life and the caring I need to show my wife and children. But break-throughs are not overnight, so until I reach that understanding, I will still having my heartbreak a little bit every time I need to let them go, and leave their home.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Fear and Faith
I've stated before that I have an incredible level of faith. I have faith in God but where my faith falters is with my relationship with my wife.
I did go last night, and that drive was one of the longest drives I have ever taken. My mind was racing the entire trip, and not many of my thoughts were positive. About three-fourths through the trip, I started to pray again. I prayed for strength and wisdom. I truthfully do not pray to make it easier. As I ask God, I need the strength and wisdom to continue down this path of re-discovery. This path is not to be easy. For me to learn from my mistakes, it cannot be easy.
While God gave me that strength and wisdom, my wife gave me the love and encouragement that I need as well. And this is where I need to have faith still. She just wanted to talk. Something that we have not done for a long time, and I worked on listening. My wife believes that she did something wrong. She doesn't truely believe she did the right thing, even though I have told her that she has. She has the strength to keep going, and to keep me going. She really is the person that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.
I need to continue to have faith in God and my wife. It's not that I am not in control of my life, it is that I need to start listening to the people around me that truely care.
I did go last night, and that drive was one of the longest drives I have ever taken. My mind was racing the entire trip, and not many of my thoughts were positive. About three-fourths through the trip, I started to pray again. I prayed for strength and wisdom. I truthfully do not pray to make it easier. As I ask God, I need the strength and wisdom to continue down this path of re-discovery. This path is not to be easy. For me to learn from my mistakes, it cannot be easy.
While God gave me that strength and wisdom, my wife gave me the love and encouragement that I need as well. And this is where I need to have faith still. She just wanted to talk. Something that we have not done for a long time, and I worked on listening. My wife believes that she did something wrong. She doesn't truely believe she did the right thing, even though I have told her that she has. She has the strength to keep going, and to keep me going. She really is the person that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.
I need to continue to have faith in God and my wife. It's not that I am not in control of my life, it is that I need to start listening to the people around me that truely care.
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