Realization

I knew that this would be a painful process, but last night, it truely dawned on me.

My wife called me about how one of the kid's cats has went missing, and possibly lost due to one of my wife's relatives. My wife called asking for advice, but she never asked for me to come over to help. While I have real problems with the cat (it's pissed on me more than once in the middle of the night and done about $10,000 worth of damage), I would never have done anything to hurt the kids.

And last night, I felt helpless. Completely and utterly helpless. I cannot just run over and help look. That would a violation of the court orders, and more importantly, I violation of my wife's trust and faith. But I laided there most of the night wondering if our children are ok. I cannot be there to comfort them, and that pain is cutting very deep. Opening new wounds that will be scars till I die.

As I was thinking and basically wallowing in disgust that I made this situation happen, I decided to ask my wife for permission to sign our son up for Swimming Lessons and to make arrangements for 'solo' time with each of the children on the weekends I do not have custody. I am afraid of what Kate will say, but I need to ask. Having the time with our children is important to me right now. It will help me survive this time and give me a chance to figure out, to learn how to be a father.