The last two weeks have been what I should have been for years.
I've spend some incredible time with my family, my children, my wife. It's not been perfect, but it's been perfectly family.
My wife and I have started to really talk again. We had two days of some of the most serious, most deep discussions we have had in 5 years, and yet through it all, through the tears, through the pain, we actually resolved an issue. We had to stop our discussion, but through that forced break, we were able to think instead of falling back on our bad habits. We were able to talk, and walk back to each other without being resentful. It was a wonderful feeling. Now my wife wants to hold off on any more of those issues for a while so she has time to heal more, and I can wait, but KNOWING that we can do it, that I can see what to do to have more of those discussions makes me very happy.
As for our children, we have had fun. We've been swimming, playing in the park, decorating my apartment, coloring, all sorts of activities that we should have be doing for years, and can continue to do in the future. It's all GOOD!
Lastly, after 6 weeks with my therapist, we've finally had a break through. Which is funny, because it was a break through for her. I was under the impression that I was wasting her time. Two weeks ago, she appeared to be failing asleep on me. So I wrote a letter describing the way I feel and what I want from a therapist, and BAM! she delivered. The time in our session flew. It wasn't me feeling that she was dancing around issues, prodding in the wrong direction, or making short talk to waste the time. I was pleased, and thoroughly embarrassed because of what she pointed out to me.
She bluntly asked if my lack of participation was a lack of involvement or wanted involvement with my family and wife. I hate to agree with her, but she was right. I would have rather have played the game then possibly fight with her over any disagreement. But why, that is the BIG question. And that is the one I'm still working on.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Practicing a new way
This weekend was one of the best weekends that I have had in a LONG time.
Friday, I took my wife out for a 'date'. She does want me to call it a date, so I respect that, but it felt like a date for me. The nervousiness of walking up to the front door and ringing the door bell. I brought a single red rose and a bottle of sparkling red grape juice (I didn't think bringing a bottle of wine for the children would be a smart move).
We went out to Red Lobster, and while Kate wanted to go Dutch, we did share an appetizer. I spent most of the dinner listening, talking, and staring. I really had forgotten how beautiful she is. Her hair, which she re-dyed back to her deep red from the auburn she did about 2 months ago, her blue eyes, her round glowing cheeks, her freckles. On the way home, we went to Starbucks, ordered coffees and sat around for a while. She talked, I stared. When we got back to the house, I spent time with the children, tucked in Connor (with a story read to him), read with Tatyanna, and had a pleasant night. The only part that was worrisome was that Kate crashed out before I was finished with the children, and didn't even walk me out.
I spent most of the night worried that I made her upset because I called our meeting a 'Date', and she told our children that it wasn't a date. Once again, I lost sleep.
In the morning, I received a call asking me to help take care of the children and help her with her studies. I gladly jumped on the opportunity. I arrived at 1 pm, and took my son for a haircut. We had fun. We got back to the house at 2:30 and I proceeded to spend time with both my children. After playing a little, reading a little, I cooked supper with my wife.
Now, this is a big deal since I've often just kicked her out of the kitchen to cook myself. We made home-made pizzas. Connor had a simple pepperoni, Tatyanna had a mushroom and black olive, while we made a Chicken/spinach/Alfredo pizza. It was good. We both agreed that the crust should have been cooked a little longer, but that is ok. The fact that we worked together was incredible! The fact that I let Kate join me speaks volumes to my growth in just a short time.
After supper, we watched some TV, and had an incredible time making out on her bed. We talked, we kissed, we snuggled, we fondled, we had fun. While we both got each other very frustrated, we enjoyed it. At 7 pm, we took the kids trick-or-treating. After an hour, Connor got too tired to continue, so I went with Tatyanna for another hour. Again, it was worth every cold minute.
When Tatyanna and I returned, I helped put Connor down for bed, and then helped with Tatyanna. After the two children were down, Kate and I had a short talk, but it was good.
All in all, this year's Holloween was one of the best that I have had in my entire life.
Friday, I took my wife out for a 'date'. She does want me to call it a date, so I respect that, but it felt like a date for me. The nervousiness of walking up to the front door and ringing the door bell. I brought a single red rose and a bottle of sparkling red grape juice (I didn't think bringing a bottle of wine for the children would be a smart move).
We went out to Red Lobster, and while Kate wanted to go Dutch, we did share an appetizer. I spent most of the dinner listening, talking, and staring. I really had forgotten how beautiful she is. Her hair, which she re-dyed back to her deep red from the auburn she did about 2 months ago, her blue eyes, her round glowing cheeks, her freckles. On the way home, we went to Starbucks, ordered coffees and sat around for a while. She talked, I stared. When we got back to the house, I spent time with the children, tucked in Connor (with a story read to him), read with Tatyanna, and had a pleasant night. The only part that was worrisome was that Kate crashed out before I was finished with the children, and didn't even walk me out.
I spent most of the night worried that I made her upset because I called our meeting a 'Date', and she told our children that it wasn't a date. Once again, I lost sleep.
In the morning, I received a call asking me to help take care of the children and help her with her studies. I gladly jumped on the opportunity. I arrived at 1 pm, and took my son for a haircut. We had fun. We got back to the house at 2:30 and I proceeded to spend time with both my children. After playing a little, reading a little, I cooked supper with my wife.
Now, this is a big deal since I've often just kicked her out of the kitchen to cook myself. We made home-made pizzas. Connor had a simple pepperoni, Tatyanna had a mushroom and black olive, while we made a Chicken/spinach/Alfredo pizza. It was good. We both agreed that the crust should have been cooked a little longer, but that is ok. The fact that we worked together was incredible! The fact that I let Kate join me speaks volumes to my growth in just a short time.
After supper, we watched some TV, and had an incredible time making out on her bed. We talked, we kissed, we snuggled, we fondled, we had fun. While we both got each other very frustrated, we enjoyed it. At 7 pm, we took the kids trick-or-treating. After an hour, Connor got too tired to continue, so I went with Tatyanna for another hour. Again, it was worth every cold minute.
When Tatyanna and I returned, I helped put Connor down for bed, and then helped with Tatyanna. After the two children were down, Kate and I had a short talk, but it was good.
All in all, this year's Holloween was one of the best that I have had in my entire life.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Faith and Hope
My wife gave me the ray of hope, the ounce of faith that I need to survive and move forward.
My wife decided to grant my request for a seperation, not a divorce, for now. It is a huge event for my wife, but a lifesaver for me.
It's hard to focus when I am this tired. I want to write about how special I feel, but I'm yawning so hard it's hard to see the screen.
I'll write more later when I'm not so tired.
My wife decided to grant my request for a seperation, not a divorce, for now. It is a huge event for my wife, but a lifesaver for me.
It's hard to focus when I am this tired. I want to write about how special I feel, but I'm yawning so hard it's hard to see the screen.
I'll write more later when I'm not so tired.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Fear and Loathing in my life
Last night my wife stated that she needed the divorce to move on. I asked her to stay seperated instead, until I can prove my change. She walked out on me after that conversation.
She says she cannot trust me. She says that I lied to her about our finances. She says she needs closure. I do not need closure. I need an opening, a ray of hope. I've told her this, but I don't know if she understands.
After she left, I drove home crying the entire way. I spent the next 3 hours composing important paperwork. I wrote my will, I wrote a letter to my daughter to given on her 18th birthday, I wrote a letter to my son to given on his 18th birthday, and I wrote my last letter to my wife.
I do not know if I will give these to her. I have put my faith in her and God. While God challenges all of us to listen, I don't know if my wife is listening. I truthfully believe that I am supposed to have this pain of seperation: To truely understand what I have to lose if I do not change. I do not know if I will survive being completely cutoff. My heart and soul cannot handle it.
She says she cannot trust me. She says that I lied to her about our finances. She says she needs closure. I do not need closure. I need an opening, a ray of hope. I've told her this, but I don't know if she understands.
After she left, I drove home crying the entire way. I spent the next 3 hours composing important paperwork. I wrote my will, I wrote a letter to my daughter to given on her 18th birthday, I wrote a letter to my son to given on his 18th birthday, and I wrote my last letter to my wife.
I do not know if I will give these to her. I have put my faith in her and God. While God challenges all of us to listen, I don't know if my wife is listening. I truthfully believe that I am supposed to have this pain of seperation: To truely understand what I have to lose if I do not change. I do not know if I will survive being completely cutoff. My heart and soul cannot handle it.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Absence and Work
There is the old phrase "Absence makes the heart grows fonder". This phrase is very true right now in my life. While my wife has been incredibly generous with her time and allowing me more time with our children, it is still painful when I have to leave them.
I always wondered if one had a huge loss in one's life, would going back to a regular routine actually help. Well, it does, but only because you do not have time to think. Right now, I do not like that at all. I find that after I am done with work, I am so tired that I cannot think like I need to. So I force myself to concentrate. I need to work on changing. This work does come easy, and I need to be able to spend time on it. That is the challenge this week. How do I find the time to do what I need to and still function?
I need to find this answer because this will be a huge break-through in balancing my life and the caring I need to show my wife and children. But break-throughs are not overnight, so until I reach that understanding, I will still having my heartbreak a little bit every time I need to let them go, and leave their home.
I always wondered if one had a huge loss in one's life, would going back to a regular routine actually help. Well, it does, but only because you do not have time to think. Right now, I do not like that at all. I find that after I am done with work, I am so tired that I cannot think like I need to. So I force myself to concentrate. I need to work on changing. This work does come easy, and I need to be able to spend time on it. That is the challenge this week. How do I find the time to do what I need to and still function?
I need to find this answer because this will be a huge break-through in balancing my life and the caring I need to show my wife and children. But break-throughs are not overnight, so until I reach that understanding, I will still having my heartbreak a little bit every time I need to let them go, and leave their home.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Fear and Faith
I've stated before that I have an incredible level of faith. I have faith in God but where my faith falters is with my relationship with my wife.
I did go last night, and that drive was one of the longest drives I have ever taken. My mind was racing the entire trip, and not many of my thoughts were positive. About three-fourths through the trip, I started to pray again. I prayed for strength and wisdom. I truthfully do not pray to make it easier. As I ask God, I need the strength and wisdom to continue down this path of re-discovery. This path is not to be easy. For me to learn from my mistakes, it cannot be easy.
While God gave me that strength and wisdom, my wife gave me the love and encouragement that I need as well. And this is where I need to have faith still. She just wanted to talk. Something that we have not done for a long time, and I worked on listening. My wife believes that she did something wrong. She doesn't truely believe she did the right thing, even though I have told her that she has. She has the strength to keep going, and to keep me going. She really is the person that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.
I need to continue to have faith in God and my wife. It's not that I am not in control of my life, it is that I need to start listening to the people around me that truely care.
I did go last night, and that drive was one of the longest drives I have ever taken. My mind was racing the entire trip, and not many of my thoughts were positive. About three-fourths through the trip, I started to pray again. I prayed for strength and wisdom. I truthfully do not pray to make it easier. As I ask God, I need the strength and wisdom to continue down this path of re-discovery. This path is not to be easy. For me to learn from my mistakes, it cannot be easy.
While God gave me that strength and wisdom, my wife gave me the love and encouragement that I need as well. And this is where I need to have faith still. She just wanted to talk. Something that we have not done for a long time, and I worked on listening. My wife believes that she did something wrong. She doesn't truely believe she did the right thing, even though I have told her that she has. She has the strength to keep going, and to keep me going. She really is the person that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.
I need to continue to have faith in God and my wife. It's not that I am not in control of my life, it is that I need to start listening to the people around me that truely care.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Uncertainity
Today, my wife emailed me wishing for me to come over tonight, rather late.
My mind is a racing while I wait. Is this something good, or is it more bad news? Is she wanting me to talk to her, or is she wanting me to stop talking to her? Is she wanting me to come over for companionship, or is she going to tell me that she is leaving the state to move back to her parents?
I don't like being scared, and this waiting scares me. At least after the initial head-slap, I know what direction to go. I'm working on a plan to prove myself, but I'm not how much stress I can handle and still keep going.
I will go tonight. She is my siren's call, but unlike Odyessus, I am not brave, though I cannot resist the sound of her angelic voice. And unlike the sirens of old, she is the beauty that would launch a thousand ships and melt the ice of the coldest heart.
My mind is a racing while I wait. Is this something good, or is it more bad news? Is she wanting me to talk to her, or is she wanting me to stop talking to her? Is she wanting me to come over for companionship, or is she going to tell me that she is leaving the state to move back to her parents?
I don't like being scared, and this waiting scares me. At least after the initial head-slap, I know what direction to go. I'm working on a plan to prove myself, but I'm not how much stress I can handle and still keep going.
I will go tonight. She is my siren's call, but unlike Odyessus, I am not brave, though I cannot resist the sound of her angelic voice. And unlike the sirens of old, she is the beauty that would launch a thousand ships and melt the ice of the coldest heart.
The Wedding Ring
Ever since I was kicked out of the house, I have not taken off my wedding ring. This is a huge change for me. Let me first describe my ring. My wife found it for me in an odd-ball magazine. It is Celtic knot-work. Just on looks, the ring is cool, but until 10/9/09, I never really thought about what it means.
I didn't even really think about my ring till I decided to take my first shower after 5 days. I was going to take off my ring, but I didn't. I started to really think about what is a wedding ring all about. You hear all that fluff about being a complete circle, and an unending promise, but how many of us really listen.
Again, my major flaw comes to light: not listening until too late. I've thought about my ring. My wife took real time to find something special, and the more I think about it, I don't think I ever thanked for the special gift of having such a unique ring, but then again, I believe I have forgotten to thank her for many of the wonderful things she has done over the years.
One day, hopefully soon, I'll be able to thank her. Not just for the ring, but truely thank her for all that she has given me over the last fourteen years. I have started. I did thank her for kicking me out and forcing me to take charge of my life and regain my family. It is not as odd or warped as it sounds. I truely believe that only someone that cares for you that much is willing to do something so difficult to help someone else. For my wife to give up the little support I did provide, to take care of our two children alone, to work on her Master's degree, the strength she is displaying is super-human. I am but a mortal man with his weakness; weaknesses that I will overcome. This is a man who needs his super-hero wife and will continue to work on proving that I am worthy to stand beside her once again.
I didn't even really think about my ring till I decided to take my first shower after 5 days. I was going to take off my ring, but I didn't. I started to really think about what is a wedding ring all about. You hear all that fluff about being a complete circle, and an unending promise, but how many of us really listen.
Again, my major flaw comes to light: not listening until too late. I've thought about my ring. My wife took real time to find something special, and the more I think about it, I don't think I ever thanked for the special gift of having such a unique ring, but then again, I believe I have forgotten to thank her for many of the wonderful things she has done over the years.
One day, hopefully soon, I'll be able to thank her. Not just for the ring, but truely thank her for all that she has given me over the last fourteen years. I have started. I did thank her for kicking me out and forcing me to take charge of my life and regain my family. It is not as odd or warped as it sounds. I truely believe that only someone that cares for you that much is willing to do something so difficult to help someone else. For my wife to give up the little support I did provide, to take care of our two children alone, to work on her Master's degree, the strength she is displaying is super-human. I am but a mortal man with his weakness; weaknesses that I will overcome. This is a man who needs his super-hero wife and will continue to work on proving that I am worthy to stand beside her once again.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Messages
On my facebook page today
This is insanely scarey how true this is, and how appropriate for myself this statement is. Now, first of all I know what the greatest reward for myself is: my family. I have my barriers: My wife kicked me out of the house because my barriers hurt my family. I will overcome my barriers, and my the grace of God, I will earn my family's love and trust again.
Edward got a message that on this day, God wants him to know that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are. If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it.
This is insanely scarey how true this is, and how appropriate for myself this statement is. Now, first of all I know what the greatest reward for myself is: my family. I have my barriers: My wife kicked me out of the house because my barriers hurt my family. I will overcome my barriers, and my the grace of God, I will earn my family's love and trust again.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Sleep
For the first time in a week, I slept.
I woke up about 10 am after going to bed about midnight. The only reason for this sleep is my wife's kiss and promise. Nothing else can explain my ability to have a respite. That action, those words, have given my subconscious a break. The break that I needed.
I spent the day with my son. I took him to the zoo, and then to McDonald's. We had a great time. I honestly don't realize who my son is. I'm not sure who his friends are. I think I know what his favor movie is, but I'd only guess at his favorite toys. There is much that I need to learn about my children. This time that I have been forced into is again a blessing, not a curse.
Again, I have Faith: Faith in God, and Faith in my wife. While I need to choose my path to improvement, I am very sure that this is the right path.
I woke up about 10 am after going to bed about midnight. The only reason for this sleep is my wife's kiss and promise. Nothing else can explain my ability to have a respite. That action, those words, have given my subconscious a break. The break that I needed.
I spent the day with my son. I took him to the zoo, and then to McDonald's. We had a great time. I honestly don't realize who my son is. I'm not sure who his friends are. I think I know what his favor movie is, but I'd only guess at his favorite toys. There is much that I need to learn about my children. This time that I have been forced into is again a blessing, not a curse.
Again, I have Faith: Faith in God, and Faith in my wife. While I need to choose my path to improvement, I am very sure that this is the right path.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The kiss
I went to drop off my daughter today after her soccer game.
*Side note: one of the few things I have gotten right. My daughter is really into soccer. She's not the greatest, but she's got potential. I just need to spend time with her. Which again I should have been doing for years.*
Back to the situation. My wife and I kissed...or more correctly, she initiated the kiss, and I most gladly reciprocated. I had forgotten what kind of kiss that my wife can give. It was good. Actually that doesn't do that kiss any justification. That was a kiss that made my toes curl. It brought me back to the old days, the days that I should have been keeping going all these years.
I know my wife does not mean to hurt, but having a kiss like that and then having to leave is the pain of true love. For those who don't understand that meaning, go rent "The Princess Bride". That scream is the one that Wesley releases when he is 'killed'. That is the same scream that my heart made when she closed the garage door and I had to leave.
She did make a promise: she will wait for me. While I know that this will take time, I will spend every moment doing what I need to do. I will be worth it. Having to walk through Hell will be worth it for another kiss like that, and the knowledge that it will not be just one more kiss. That was the type of kiss that wars are fought over and epic poems are composed.
I have a family to fight for. I have a wife to fight for. I have True Love to fight for. The only problem is I don't know how to fight this battle. I have an IQ measured at 162, but for all my intelligence, I'm clueless. I'm getting help, but it scares me because of how little I know. I will learn, and I will be better. Our children, my love, my future depends on it.
*Side note: one of the few things I have gotten right. My daughter is really into soccer. She's not the greatest, but she's got potential. I just need to spend time with her. Which again I should have been doing for years.*
Back to the situation. My wife and I kissed...or more correctly, she initiated the kiss, and I most gladly reciprocated. I had forgotten what kind of kiss that my wife can give. It was good. Actually that doesn't do that kiss any justification. That was a kiss that made my toes curl. It brought me back to the old days, the days that I should have been keeping going all these years.
I know my wife does not mean to hurt, but having a kiss like that and then having to leave is the pain of true love. For those who don't understand that meaning, go rent "The Princess Bride". That scream is the one that Wesley releases when he is 'killed'. That is the same scream that my heart made when she closed the garage door and I had to leave.
She did make a promise: she will wait for me. While I know that this will take time, I will spend every moment doing what I need to do. I will be worth it. Having to walk through Hell will be worth it for another kiss like that, and the knowledge that it will not be just one more kiss. That was the type of kiss that wars are fought over and epic poems are composed.
I have a family to fight for. I have a wife to fight for. I have True Love to fight for. The only problem is I don't know how to fight this battle. I have an IQ measured at 162, but for all my intelligence, I'm clueless. I'm getting help, but it scares me because of how little I know. I will learn, and I will be better. Our children, my love, my future depends on it.
Realization
I knew that this would be a painful process, but last night, it truely dawned on me.
My wife called me about how one of the kid's cats has went missing, and possibly lost due to one of my wife's relatives. My wife called asking for advice, but she never asked for me to come over to help. While I have real problems with the cat (it's pissed on me more than once in the middle of the night and done about $10,000 worth of damage), I would never have done anything to hurt the kids.
And last night, I felt helpless. Completely and utterly helpless. I cannot just run over and help look. That would a violation of the court orders, and more importantly, I violation of my wife's trust and faith. But I laided there most of the night wondering if our children are ok. I cannot be there to comfort them, and that pain is cutting very deep. Opening new wounds that will be scars till I die.
As I was thinking and basically wallowing in disgust that I made this situation happen, I decided to ask my wife for permission to sign our son up for Swimming Lessons and to make arrangements for 'solo' time with each of the children on the weekends I do not have custody. I am afraid of what Kate will say, but I need to ask. Having the time with our children is important to me right now. It will help me survive this time and give me a chance to figure out, to learn how to be a father.
My wife called me about how one of the kid's cats has went missing, and possibly lost due to one of my wife's relatives. My wife called asking for advice, but she never asked for me to come over to help. While I have real problems with the cat (it's pissed on me more than once in the middle of the night and done about $10,000 worth of damage), I would never have done anything to hurt the kids.
And last night, I felt helpless. Completely and utterly helpless. I cannot just run over and help look. That would a violation of the court orders, and more importantly, I violation of my wife's trust and faith. But I laided there most of the night wondering if our children are ok. I cannot be there to comfort them, and that pain is cutting very deep. Opening new wounds that will be scars till I die.
As I was thinking and basically wallowing in disgust that I made this situation happen, I decided to ask my wife for permission to sign our son up for Swimming Lessons and to make arrangements for 'solo' time with each of the children on the weekends I do not have custody. I am afraid of what Kate will say, but I need to ask. Having the time with our children is important to me right now. It will help me survive this time and give me a chance to figure out, to learn how to be a father.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
On October 9, 2009, I was nearly killed.....
I'm still in a state of coma, a limbo, a terrible state of grey.
On October 9, 2009, my wife served me with papers for divorce. I ran around like a lost dog looking for her and our children for hours. Then I collapsed in the bed. I stopped doing anything but calling. I stopped eating, drinking, washing. Eventually I passed out, but even then I could not find any modicum of solace. When I return to conscience, I returned to calling. I finally received a message saying that my wife will meet me in a public place to talk.
She talked, I listened...and it's been a while since I really listened.
My wife told me that I had stopped being a husband and father for a long time, and enough is enough. She told me that I have spent so much time playing the computer games that I forgot who I was, and she the man she married and bore our children.
And she is right.
In all of the listening, she tore open my head and heart, and exposed it to the light of true love, and I collapsed. I have been absent of that radiance for so long that I cringed and cried at the pain.
In the midst of this agony, I was given a flicker....a very dim flicker, but a flicker of a chance. My wife has asked me to clean up my act...and I will. I have one chance, but it is all I need. I was only given one chance to survive my childhood, and I did. I was given only one chance to get out of my parent's house and move on, and I did. I was given one chance to make an impression with a beautiful redhead, and I did. I have been given one chance to rekindle and remake myself into a better man, a better husband, a better father, and I will.
It is a rare, very rare opportunity that we are actually given such an overt chance. We, as a race, are so incredibly gifted with 20/20 hindsight, but looking forward, we are almost blind. I am no longer blind. I see a beaming 9 (almost 10) year old girl, an energetic 5 (almost 6) year old boy, and the radiance of a beautiful auburn-haired lady ahead of me, and I, with the grace of God, will earn their true love again. I will be granted the opportunity to play with our children in the yard, to help them with their homework, to put them to bed. I will be blessed with laying beside and growing old with one of the strongest, intelligent, motherly ladies I know. I will be granted the blessing of having my family allowing me back into their lives.
It will take time....time for pain, time for healing, time for growth. I have been given the time. I will make the most of it.
I'm still in a state of coma, a limbo, a terrible state of grey.
On October 9, 2009, my wife served me with papers for divorce. I ran around like a lost dog looking for her and our children for hours. Then I collapsed in the bed. I stopped doing anything but calling. I stopped eating, drinking, washing. Eventually I passed out, but even then I could not find any modicum of solace. When I return to conscience, I returned to calling. I finally received a message saying that my wife will meet me in a public place to talk.
She talked, I listened...and it's been a while since I really listened.
My wife told me that I had stopped being a husband and father for a long time, and enough is enough. She told me that I have spent so much time playing the computer games that I forgot who I was, and she the man she married and bore our children.
And she is right.
In all of the listening, she tore open my head and heart, and exposed it to the light of true love, and I collapsed. I have been absent of that radiance for so long that I cringed and cried at the pain.
In the midst of this agony, I was given a flicker....a very dim flicker, but a flicker of a chance. My wife has asked me to clean up my act...and I will. I have one chance, but it is all I need. I was only given one chance to survive my childhood, and I did. I was given only one chance to get out of my parent's house and move on, and I did. I was given one chance to make an impression with a beautiful redhead, and I did. I have been given one chance to rekindle and remake myself into a better man, a better husband, a better father, and I will.
It is a rare, very rare opportunity that we are actually given such an overt chance. We, as a race, are so incredibly gifted with 20/20 hindsight, but looking forward, we are almost blind. I am no longer blind. I see a beaming 9 (almost 10) year old girl, an energetic 5 (almost 6) year old boy, and the radiance of a beautiful auburn-haired lady ahead of me, and I, with the grace of God, will earn their true love again. I will be granted the opportunity to play with our children in the yard, to help them with their homework, to put them to bed. I will be blessed with laying beside and growing old with one of the strongest, intelligent, motherly ladies I know. I will be granted the blessing of having my family allowing me back into their lives.
It will take time....time for pain, time for healing, time for growth. I have been given the time. I will make the most of it.
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